Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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