Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize