Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
