he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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