Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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