Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
