I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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