My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
