there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
