Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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