Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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