but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Bring me that man meat
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
