but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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