She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic