I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Is it because I queefed?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.