Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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