Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
