1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
