I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
