New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
