I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
