Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
