I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
