mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
Randomize