I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
