we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
