On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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