I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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