My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
