My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
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There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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