So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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