but the lizard people decide everything anyway
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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