I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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