i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
