cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
