so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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