My liver just broke up with me...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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