Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
