If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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