I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
