Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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