I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
