I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
