If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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