Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
