I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
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My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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