you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
