Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
