Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
