so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
