here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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