I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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