I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
