dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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