If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
