Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
