so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I told you penises don't tan
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.