I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
