I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
