I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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