I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
