explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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